My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
You Might Also Like
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us