if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”