You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
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“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
#SuperBowl
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.