[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
omg leave her alone
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”