I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
new wife guy just dropped
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please