The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.