me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
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Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?