Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/