You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
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I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
*frowns in Scottish*
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”