*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
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a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
quarantine day 3
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”