Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar