Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever