DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
You Might Also Like
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
welp
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed