I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
The Assassin.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.