Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
You Might Also Like
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Best spoiler warning ever