After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
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Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Muppet Screams
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]