Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
crochet youtube is brutal
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Order here:
More here:
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.