Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂