You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
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LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.