OKAY DAD
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
when someone compliments me
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*