Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
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You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.