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Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Nose
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?