The morning after pill, but for tweets
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I love it all
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
me when I see my crush
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep