NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.