Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
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My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.