Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!