When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.