2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
You Might Also Like
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Why I divorced her.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.