A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
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Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
my dad has had enough
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
No. He’s not coming out to play
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.