me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
For anyone who needs this today
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
some Old Testament wisdom
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both