my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks