Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
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Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.