As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
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I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race