I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Holy shit he’s back
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.