Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer