My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.