If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
You Might Also Like
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.