The perfect label doesn’t exi-
You Might Also Like
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Lol
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’