me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
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Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child