Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
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Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Perfect.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.