The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
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Me redecorating every room in my mind
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
j o i m p
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.