[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
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GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
💻🤡
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though