I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
23. the denim jacket
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.