waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look