Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
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H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]