Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked