[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty