[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
You Might Also Like
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names