I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Trying
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Beware…..
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?