it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
You Might Also Like
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
A classic…
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My god she’s good.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”